Thinking about creating life? Make sure you don’t fall into any of the categories below before proceeding. You are NOT ready for a baby if…
You prefer to eat your dinner while it’s still warm.
Dinner is served. It’s your favorite dish from your favorite restaurant. You’ve been salivating over this steak enchilada for months. You’re about to take your first bite into the hot cheesy goodness. STOP! Put the fork down. Sorry, but the baby just had a major blowout and unless you want the whole restaurant to reek of your baby’s bowels, you better get up and deal with it. Maybe next time.
You like to use the restroom right when you get the urge.
Dawn has cracked. Your bladder is full. You are startled awake by the sounds of a shrieking baby. You must make a choice. Let the baby go into a full meltdown, or hold it. Chances are you decided to hold it. You have now peed your pants, but at least you have a happy baby.
You aren’t OK with being covered in milk, poop and other bodily fluids
You just finished getting yourself and baby ready for the day. You’re both dressed and smelling fresh. Baby is getting strapped into a carseat when all of a sudden… projectile spit up. While attempting to get baby into a new outfit, baby’s diaper comes loose and now there is pee everywhere. Let me emphasize that… EVERYWHERE. After three failed attempts, you finally get baby into the carseat successfully. Baby is clean. You, however, are a different story.
You enjoy grocery shopping alone
Free therapy is strolling down the aisles of your favorite market while daydreaming about that creamy stuffed chicken you’re about to concoct. Alone in your thoughts, the experience of shopping for your favorite indulges is a treat. It’s too bad you took it for granted for all of those years; because now you’re lucky to get through the entrance without having to stop and deal with a meltdown.
You are interested in your own personal hygiene
If the idea of a hot, uninterrupted shower appeals to you, think again. Baby comes first and there are just not enough hours in the day for your own personal hygiene. Forget about having time to curl your hair, brush your teeth AND put on deodorant all in the same day.
You don’t like chaos
You just got home from a stressful week of 10 hour workdays. You’re looking forward to putting your feet up with a glass of wine and silence. Please. The dishes need cleaned. The laundry needs folded. The dog needs walked. The baby needs bathed. But hey, if you thrive on a house full of loud noises, trip hazards and messy bedrooms then having a baby is just what the doctor ordered.
You would rather not worry if another human is still alive 24 times per day
Picture this: you successfully put the baby to bed and it’s finally time for a little relaxation. A few deep breaths and a margarita will take the edge right off. Something is not right here. The edge doesn’t just come off when you’re a parent. Forget about it. What if baby gets wedged in the corner of the crib? What if this baby monitor is faulty? What if the ceiling fan comes loose and flies onto baby’s head? After about eight minutes, you decide you better setup camp in baby’s room for safe measure.
You want to watch television shows that involve sex, murder and loudness
The new episode of Game of Thrones is on tonight and you’ve been waiting for the this season for almost a year. Nope. Baby can’t sleep and wants to join you. Teletubbies it is.
You don’t enjoy being behind on laundry and dishes
So maybe no one “enjoys” doing laundry and dishes. However, being caught up on them… now that’s something to celebrate. In your pre-baby days, at least you had the option to catch up on them if you so desire. In the post-baby days, you’re lucky if all of the dirty clothes even find their way into the hamper. Not to mention, the pile quadruples due to said projectile spit ups and blowouts. Oh well, it will eventually get done… won’t it?
You think alone time is necessary for your well being
Nope. Sorry. Not going to happen.